


Extremely Wicked, Undeniably Sexy

by pansystan



Series: Shit Slytherins Say [4]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, F/M, Social Media, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-06
Updated: 2020-02-06
Packaged: 2021-02-27 03:26:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22350304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pansystan/pseuds/pansystan
Summary: When you're into an incredibly sexy guy who could possibly be a murderer your only logical choice is to risk it. Slytherin texting AU
Relationships: Pansy Parkinson/Charlie Weasley
Series: Shit Slytherins Say [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/961926
Comments: 5
Kudos: 42





	Extremely Wicked, Undeniably Sexy

**Author's Note:**

> I promise I am working on some actual coherent fics with plots they just take me for-fucking-ever to write. This is like... indecipherable garbage and I'm sorry that this is all my idiot brain is good for. Please give me kudos and comments so I don't have to suffer alone.  
> This has about as much plot as my breakfast but I was in the mood to write something and this was what happened.  
> As per usual I cannot spell and nor do I care. Enjoy my outdated meme references and immense desire to fit the term 'himbo' into this in any way possible.

**_Pansy_ ** _to_ **_there were seven misfits in the bed and the dumbest one said...:_ **so I am doing laundry

 **_Pansy:_ **washing my clothes, as one does

 **_Blaise:_ **absolute rip to you living in dorms ur so brave

 **_Pansy:_ **thank you blaise I suffer daily

 **_Pansy:_ **anyway.. this guy comes in to do his laundry

 **_Draco:_ **as one does

 **_Pansy:_ **you would think, except his clothes are like… covered in blood

 **_Pansy:_ **has anyone been murdered lately that we know about??

 **_Pansy:_ **also is it just me or is that kind of sexy

 **_Draco:_ **oh no definitely sexy

 **_Blaise:_ **sexy

 **_Daphne:_ **for sure

 **_Theo:_ **y’all need therapy

 **_Daphne:_ **pics or it didn’t happen

 **_Pansy:_ **I assume you mean of him bc the clothes are in the washing machine

 **_Pansy:_ **[Attachment: 1 image]

 **_Draco:_ **oh that’s ron weasley’s older brother

 **_Draco:_ **Charlie I think

 **_Pansy:_ **ron weasley is so far removed from sexy how is he related to this

 **_Draco:_ **he is arguably not sexy by association

 **_Millicent:_ **can we get back to the potential murder part of the conversation

 **_Blaise:_ **millie you fucking freak

 **_Millicent:_ **[eyeroll emoji]

**_Pansy_ ** _to_ **_no himbos allowed:_ **who’s coming with me to the old monk tonight

 **_Daphne:_ **why the fuck would we go there

 **_Pansy:_ **ever heard of fate?

 **_Pansy:_ **also known as pansy parkinson

 **_Pansy:_ **mr sexy weasley is often known to frequent

 **_Millicent:_ **there was no need for often and frequent to both be present in that sentence

 **_Millicent:_ **also yeah that bar is disgusting [nauseated face emoji] good luck w that

 **_Pansy:_ **if no one comes with me I will go alone

 **_Pansy:_ **I’m not afraid of a potential serial killer situation

 **_Pansy:_ **adds to the excitement [tongue emoji]

**_Astoria_ ** to **_no himbos allowed:_ **we can’t really let her die?

 **_Astoria:_ **can we?

 **_Millicent:_ **[eyes emoji]

**_Pansy_ ** _to_ **_there were seven misfits in the bed and the dumbest one said...:_ **okay I have been working on a list of reasons sexy laundrette weasley could have been covered in blood aside from murder

 **_Pansy:_ **1\. Came across an orphaned street urchin who had toothache and selflessly pulled their tooth

 **_Pansy:_ **2\. Was out on a jog and saved an unsuspecting woman from being mugged

 **_Draco:_ **I’m sorry, selflessly pulled an orphan’s tooth out??

 **_Draco:_ **with what??? His bare ass hands??????

 **_Theo:_ **I have so many questions

 **_Pansy:_ **I will not be taking questions at this time

 **_Pansy:_ **3\. It was actually ketchup that just looked very blood-like

 **_Draco:_ **was it fresh blood or old dried blood?

 **_Pansy:_ **dried

 **_Draco:_ **does ketchup go crusty and brown when it dries?

 **_Theo:_ **decidedly no

 **_Pansy:_ **why are you all trying to stand between me and true love

 **_Theo:_ **or you and imminent death

 **_Millicent:_ **4\. He was born with glass bones and paper skin, every morning he breaks his legs and every afternoon he breaks his arms

 **_Pansy:_ **make ur own list millie

 **_Pansy:_ **but thanks for the support

 **_Draco_ ** created the poll **_is charlie weasley a serial killer?_ **

yes / definitely yes / I’m Pansy and I’m blinded by lust

**_Blaise_ ** to **_[tongue emoji][smiling devil emoji]:_ **Astoria said ur going to the old monk???

 **_Blaise:_ **ik objectively he is like.. Sexy 

**_Blaise:_ **but is it really worth the soles of ur red bottoms being forever tarnished by centuries of sick and lukewarm beer?

 **_Pansy_ ** _to_ **_mr boombastic:_ **the fridge is actually working this week so the beer is solid

 **_Pansy:_ **the fridge is working a little too well

 **_Pansy:_ **I think they’re keeping the beer in the freezer

 **_Blaise:_ **oh that’s okay then

 **_Blaise:_ **good luck!

 **_Pansy:_ **thanks

 **_Pansy:_ **also I would obviously not wear louboutins to a dive bar

 **_Pansy:_ **I’m wearing my mcqueens

 **_Blaise:_ **obviously

**_Pansy_ ** to **_no himbos allowed:_ **okay there he is everyone be cool but also casual and sexy but do not upstage me or you /will/ not live to regret it

 **_Millicent:_ **wow Pansy I think you and murderer weasley are made for each other

 **_Daphne:_ **if I have to endure this sober then I would rather be dead I’m going to get another drink

 **_Daphne:_ **what’s everyone having?

 **_Astoria:_ **I suppose bottle service is too much to hope for?

 **_Daphne:_ **that does not even deserve an answer

 **_Astoria:_ **that’s fair

 **_Astoria:_ **a cosmo then please

**_Astoria_ ** to **_no himbos allowed:_ **where the fuck are you guys????

 **_Astoria:_ **the queue for the toilets was longer than pansy’s list of questionable kinks

 **_Millicent:_ **update: pansy is sitting on sexy weasley’s lap

 **_Millicent:_ **daphne ordered tequila shots

 **_Millicent:_ **Pansy’s either gonna die of murder or alcohol poisoning soon

 **_Astoria:_ **at least then she'll be someone else’s problem

 **_Astoria:_ **like the police

**_Astoria_ ** _to_ **_no himbos allowed:_ **we’re not letting her go home with him are we??

 ** _Astoria:_** still not convinced he’s not a murderer

 **_Millicent:_ **he was demonstrating the correct way to safely knock someone out earlier

 **_Daphne:_ **surely if he was a murderer he wouldn’t care if he was knocking people out safely???

 **_Daphne:_ **dw I’ll haul her out to the uber once she’s done sloppy making out w him

 **_Millicent:_ **oooh film it for blackmail purposes

 **_Astoria:_ **one point in the not-a-serial-killer column

**_Charlie_ ** _to_ **_p=ppan.hsy:_ **Hi

**_Draco_ ** _to_ **_there were seven misfits in the bed and the dumbest one said...:_ **has anyone heard from pansy today?

 **_Draco:_ **we didn’t let her get murdered did we?

 **_Draco:_ **I think that would make us bad friends

 **_Theo:_ **yeah, that’d do it

 **_Millicent:_ **Ron is in my criminal psych class I could casually ask if his brother is a murderer

 **_Blaise:_ **maybe ron is in ur criminal psych class so that he can be more understanding and supportive of his murderer brother

 **_Daphne:_ **maybe it’s a family business

 **_Astoria:_ **how do you make money from murder?

 **_Astoria:_ **also sorry to burst everybody’s bubble but I put pansy to bed last night she’s fine

 **_Millicent:_ **her blood alcohol levels could get her still

 **_Theo:_ **huzzah

**_Pansy_ ** _to_ **_Unknown Number:_ **who is this

 **_Charlie:_ **Charlie Weasley

 **_Charlie:_ **You had your tongue down my throat last night

 **_Charlie:_ **You might not remember

 **_Pansy:_ **that sounds disgusting and yet you’re texting me still

 **_Charlie:_ **I was curious whether you got your number right the way you spelt your name

 **_Pansy:_ **winner winner chicken dinner

 **_Charlie:_ **I’m impressed

 **_Pansy:_ **I’m determined

 **_Pansy:_ **are u a murderer?

 **_Charlie:_ **No? But I would say that if I was

 **_Charlie:_ **Was no the right answer?

 **_Pansy:_ **I saw you doing laundry the other day

 **_Charlie:_ **Okay… are you a serial killer?

 **_Pansy:_ **your clothes had blood on them

 **_Charlie:_ **Oh, yeah I was wrestling a crocodile

 **_Pansy:_ **I am too hungover to know if that is a joke

 **_Pansy:_ **please I am on th e verge of tears I’m too fragile rn

 **_Charlie:_ **Yeah joke but I am from Florida

 **_Charlie:_ **Do you wanna come to one of my crocodile wrestling tournaments?

 **_Pansy:_ **it’s early days I don’t know if I like you enough to go to Florida yet

 **_Charlie:_ **If I tell you the truth do you promise to pretend it’s as cool and sexy as crocodile wrestling?

 **_Pansy:_ **bold of you to assume I think crocodile wrestling is either cool or sexy

 **_Charlie:_ **My brothers have a joke shop and I ‘tested’ one of their products

 **_Charlie:_ **It punched me in the face

 **_Pansy:_ **did they film it?

 **_Pansy:_ **like for research purposes?

 **_Charlie:_ **I’m not sure I like you so much after all

 **_Pansy:_ **yeah right

 **_Pansy:_ **what are you doing tonight?


End file.
